dear future husband

Last night I had a little video chat date with my dear friend Zach Snow.

To any single ladies who may read this, if you are looking for a quality guy, look no further than Zach. Zach should be a motivational speaker or a life coach. He is the best cheerleader and always makes me want to be a better person. I always feel happier after talking to him. Zach is honestly probably the top guy I've ever met at BYU and he is really going places. He is a priceless gem who I think the world of but due to our height differences, it creates a physical barrier between us and I hate myself everyday for not being shorter.

ZACH I WANT YOU TO KNOW I DON'T CARE AT ALL. I AM DEEPER THAN THAT. I AM PHYSICALLY ATTRACTED TO YOU. I WOULD HAVE YOU IF YOU WOULD HAVE ME.

Otherwise, we would be married right now. Or at least I tell myself that.

Anyways, we discussed a variety of things, life, love, the pursuit of happiness, etc. At one point we were talking about what we are looking for in a significant other. Right now, based on where I am, I know that I am not where I should be in order to be able to commit to someone else for all eternity. Even though I should be, I know that I am not my absolute best self right now. I am slowly making progress and working on becoming better and healthier so that I can feel truly worthy of that person and so that I can be the person they deserve.

That being said, it was still a really interesting discussion topic and I found myself  really surprised that I didn't have a clearer answer. I feel like every girl has an idea of their perfect man and exactly what they want. I know that I have fantasized about this dream guy before. But when it comes to reality, my thought process has changed over time because I have changed over time.

Maybe because I am so not in the mindset to get married and haven't been for a while now, I've forgotten what I want. In my dating experience though, I think I've just learned to stop looking for someone who fits a checklist. I evaluate relationships based on how the person makes me feel and what they bring out in me.

So I decided to take some time to write down a list of what I notice based on the guys I surround myself with. It was also interesting to recognize what coincides and what differentiates between what I immediately notice and look for in a person and what are actual important qualities. I realized that these are also all things that I really want to work on for myself but some are also strengths that I do possess and I think that's why they are so important to me. This list goes in order of what immediately came to my mind first but not necessarily what immediately attracts me to someone first.

1. Humble: I feel like the number one thing I always notice in guys is how humble they are. I know that I am slightly sensitive to guys who feel entitled to certain things and address that through their words and mannerisms. I am aware that girls can be just as selfish and it does bother me, but I am definitely more easily annoyed by guys (sorry that's just how it is!). There is a difference between confidence and cockiness. I want someone who is willing to admit when he is wrong, to recognize his flaws and be willing to apologize but is confident enough in himself to work on it and become better. I've noticed that in too many relationships where one person is too stubborn and prideful. It's something I have noticed in my dad which can be really straining on our relationship sometimes. I always end up being the one to apologize first and sometimes we do leave arguments with him still believing he was right but I think it shows respect for the other when you look past yourself in order to find peace and reconciliation. I think humility also reflects your willingness to turn to Heavenly Father and recognize how much we need him in our daily lives as well as how willing we are to align our will with His. 
2. Friendly: My friends are the most important people in my life next to family. I want someone who recognizes the importance they are to me and makes it a priority to bring them into their life as well. I want someone who I can bring to a party and don't feel like I have to babysit or protect, who is confident and is excited about people and getting to know them better. Someone who is willing to ask other questions and learn about what makes them tick, their fears, their passions. I know that this is something I value because I am extremely passionate about people myself. If Ashlyn, Anna or Hilary are not in love with him, then I know it will be harder for me to be in love with him which is so bad and not right but it's a real thing that I feel.
3. Kind: I have lots of shortcomings and weaknesses. I am very far from a perfect person and have made mistakes and still struggle to not make those mistakes everyday. I know that whoever I end up with is going to have a lot to deal with. I am a very emotional person in that I can be happy or sad over the littlest things. I get excited over dumb stuff. I sometimes get discouraged and depressed and burnt out every once in awhile. I'm not looking for someone who will sympathize or be okay with me carrying on in my ways. I just need someone who is willing to be patient and work with me. Someone who will take the time and listen when I am upset and who doesn't make fun of me for feeling the way I feel. Someone who doesn't dismiss me or leave me to figure things out on my own. Someone who is willing to help me when I fall off but can do so in a kind and loving way. And someone who will take the time to figure out the best way for us to communicate.
4. Fun: This one really would be higher up on my list if I didn't feel like the first three are absolutely essential. Not that fun isn't either...I just don't know what I would do if I didn't feel totally comfortable around the person and feel like I could talk to them about anything and everything. And maybe I just think those other qualities define a person's character more so than others? Maybe that's wrong? Maybe I'll just be fun enough for the both of us. Fun is vital though too, it really is. I would be forever miserable if someone wasn't willing to indulge in hoodrat behavior with me. I want someone who I can take to concerts and who is willing to go crazy and dance like a fool. Someone who will sing with me at the top of their lungs while we drive in the car. Someone who wants to try new things and shows me new things. Definitely someone who is spontaneous and eager about getting out and doing something. But is also okay with staying in and having 80's movie marathons. Someone who is witty and can keep up with my wit, better yet leave me in tears because I am laughing too hard. 
5. Confident: Confidence really is key to being successful, you have to believe in yourself in order to really make a change or make a difference, to build up strength and resilience to whatever opposition comes your way. I want someone who believes in his abilities and will use his strengths to be the best person he can be. I also have now learned for myself that I really want someone who is willing to put himself out there for me. Who is willing to put in the time and is confident about his feelings towards me. Someone who isn't afraid of sharing his thoughts or where he stands and what he is looking for. I've always had the strength of wearing my heart on my sleeve and expressing my feelings towards people who I care for or are interested in. I make it pretty clear how I feel and I'm not intimidated by rejection. However, because of my boldness, sometimes this leads to me being dragged on or I confront them because I want to understand but I am left more confused. Because of this, I usually end up being the one who faces rejection first and it hurts. I've never regretted telling someone how I feel but I also recognize how much I expect that from the other party involved, to be honest and clear with me always and I think this reflects confidence.
6. Works hard: I know that this is extremely important. I just feel guilty putting it on here when I know I do not work very hard at all. When I am motivated and passionate, I will go to every length to make things happen. But when it comes to doing things that I don't want to do, I definitely do not try as hard and am much more prone to give up instead of seeing things through (oops). This is what I need to work on more than anything for sure. It's a skill I did not inherit from my father. He is the hardest worker I know and  this in time has paid off. I know a lot of it has to do with his determination and dedication to learning and working for everything he has earned. I do hope that in time, I will taken enough small steps to gain better follow-through skills. To recognize the lessons and rewards that can be learned through hard work. And when that comes, I can be confident knowing that my significant other will do the same. I believe that anyone who works hard and does their best, they will be rewarded for their efforts and Heavenly Father will be sure we have what we need. I am confident that in whatever work my husband takes up, he will do what is sufficient to provide for our family. I know that I will be supportive of him as he will be supportive of me and my career endeavors. 

This is what I have so far. I am sure I am missing some important stuff as well.

I know that I have a lot of other little fantasies, little tiny things like how they dress and who their favorite musician is/what music they listen to. 

My dream guy has the voice of Michael Buble, the charm of Lloyd Dobler, the grace of Leo DiCaprio, the swagger of Jay-Z, looks of Elvis and the spirituality of Jeffrey R. Holland.

But this is not realistic. That's why it's a dream.

I would obviously never settle when it comes to making the most important decision of my life. But I also feel like people can be too judgmental in the dating scene. There are too many expectations and too much pressure to literally be perfect and your best self 24/7, to have everything going on in every aspect of your life right then and there. It has been so refreshing to be out of the Provo bubble for awhile and take a step back to just chill and really reflect on what I actually want instead of what I am sometimes led to believe I should want. 

Maybe because I recognize all my weaknesses, I just hope that someone would be able to look past some of those and see my true character and desires and see what I am working on and what I'm good at before they write me off. Because I hope someone would do that for me, I feel like I am better able to look at people with an eternal perspective rather than what is on their resumé. 

Maybe my thinking is wrong? Or maybe I am missing something...

Eternal marriage should not be taken lightly, I know that. But I also feel like overcomplicating and overanalyzing dating can quickly distract from what it really is all about, why we are supposed to date, to get to know and see each other the same way that our Heavenly Father sees each of us, as beautiful spirits with eternal potential.

All I want is to find someone who works hard to make me happy and brings out my best.
Someone who is willing to put everything on the line to show his love for me.
Someone who lets me know that he needs me.
Someone who I can grow and learn with.
Someone who will be my teammate and work with me hand in hand to raise a strong family. Someone who will push me to do more.
Someone who will help me on my road to eternal happiness someday.

People claim that the person I am meant to be with is out there and I do believe them still, no matter how hopeless or discouraged I can get. All I know is that right now I need to focus on how I can grow and better myself every day so I can be right where I need to be when he comes around.