this is a song - it's alright by matt & kim

Stumbled upon my good friends new music video during my R@G3RRRR last night.

Matt & Kim.
How can you not love this couple?
I want to be married and be married couple friends with them.
I know they would be that cool married couple. 
And we would be young and go do hooligan stuff together.
They are infectious.
New alarm clock.

"One day I’ll remember how the words go, if one day you’ll teach me all the right notes."

it's the insomnia talking

It's 3:45 A.M. 
I brushed my teeth 5 hours ago.
I was in my bed by 12:30.

But now I am wide awake. 
I am frustrated. 
I am tired.
I am sick of sleeping on my couch. 
I want a mattress filled with marshmallow kittens and angel wing feathers. 

Oh my goodness just the thought of something so beautiful brings me to tears.

I am a chronic insomniac. 

Okay so one of my weaknesses are all five hours between 7 AM and 12 PM. Okay so I'm not a morning person. I'M SORRY MY BODY WILL  REJECT ANY SORT OF PHYSICAL INACTIVITY. 

I've had this problem for a long time. It was just never to a point where I would do something about it. But my poor, fragile, and sensitive limbs can only take so many years of the torture chamber that is my bed frame. This school year I have been tossed a voodooed mattress of death and for the last couple weeks I have laid down only to feel the springs stabbing me in the back. 

My roommates and I have concluded that it is The Mattress of The Devil (no but seriously because it literally is sinking in the middle, like it's legitimately trying to suck me into a fiery hell of arthritis or something). So for the last couple weeks I have been sleeping on my couch. Yep. The couch. There's that so...

I don't remember the last time when I woke up actually feeling refreshed and ready for the day. No really I'm actually trying to think of a specific time but all I remember is a faint dream that has already faded. I've never had one of those fairy tale mornings with the sun shining and the birds chirping and all my critter friends helping me get dressed as we all whistle while we work and join in song. No my mornings usually consist of a similar scenario to that of a Slipknot music video. It's literally traumatizing. 

Insomnia is one of the cruelest jokes your body can play on you. It's incredibly distressing, sitting here, looking at the clock, knowing that my body will hate my brain tomorrow when it starts eating itself because I will be a zombie. I don't understand how my legs are still so jumpy when they are so physically exhausted and sore. I feel like World War 3 is going on inside and everyone is Hitler. Everything is empty inside my head so what fuel is it running off of? Maybe it's the thousands of my thoughts commuting to all different directions at high speeds. But why now? Why at 5 in the morning is that when my brain feels most active? Why do I mentally thrive when I'm physically wasted? WHY WHY WHY? Insomnia is the most terrible internal battle of them all. 

It's not my fault! Trust me, I try! I TRY OH HOW I TRY. After years of consistent insufficient sleep, I know how the story goes. Scene:

I enter the bed. 
I pray to be watched over as I sleep and to get a good night's rest.
I let my head flutter softly upon the goose feather loaf of lushness.
Eyes are shut tight. 
Buried beneath mountains of blankets, quilts, comforters. 
Perry the Platypus stuffed animal tucked fast in my arms. 
Body proportioned to comfortable perfection. 
The scene is set.

And yet...

my muscles ache. 
I toss and I turn. 
My body is not shutting down.

After about an hour, I then play my lullaby playlist with songs featuring the likes of Jack Johnson, John Mayer, FOR GOODNESS SAKE ALLISON KRAUSS!
Ah but obviously that is not going to work because I mean, come on, it's Allison Krauss, she is just too darn catchy.
Curse you Allison Krauss.

Then begins the desperate search for the one cure out of hundreds of attempts that will lull me to sleep for the evening.

I've tried them all.
Scriptures.
General Conference talks. 
Food.
Running. 
Thinking.
Not thinking.
Baking raspberry lemonade bars.
TV.
Hot Chocolate.
Books. 
Rearrange the furniture.
All of "whatshouldwecallme" tumblr.
Flipping the pillow.
Youtube.
Researching potential diseases or phobias I might have such as Zemmiphobia.
Organizing your clothes by color.
Organizing your clothes by type of garment.
Organzing your clothes by nothing.

PAUSE LITERALLY SOMEONE JUST WALKED UP THE STAIRS. LITERALLY WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT AT 4:30 IN THE MORNING ON A SCHOOL NIGHT? LITERALLY I WILL FIND YOU AND LITERALLY I WILL TELL YOUR MOM MARK MY WORDS RESIDENTS OF WELLINGTON II.

Jazzercise.
Stalking myself on Facebook. As far back as you can go like dark ages of junior high far back.
New hobbies like hackysack or floral design.
DRUGS. 
Blogging.................................................................(hahahaha)

And then all of the sudden it is 5:04 A.M.

My dear friends of the Internet. Someone. ANYONE. Help me. SAVE me. I beg you. I know I know, I should go see someone about it. I'm going to the doctor next week and they will give me all the drugs to make it all better. I'll just pop more pills because drugs are ALWAAAAAYS the answer. But surely there must be another way?? I will give you a jar of my tears of happiness and then the whole world if you solve this consciousness conundrum. I need a miracle. Or a mattress cover.

Or maybe I should just give up. It's hopeless. I'm a lost cause. Go on without me friends. Save yourselves. Maybe I am just forever cursed to roam the earth in this Dracula state. The light at the end of this tunnel is only growing brighter and bigger and it's stupid because I CAN'T SLEEP WITH THOSE CUSSING LIGHTS ON TURN THEM OFF GEEEEEEZ.

I can't wait to read this tomorrow when I'm only somewhat delirious.

this is a song - my songs know what you did in the dark by fall out boy

All you need to know about my junior high days was that I was OBSESSED with FOB.

Well yeah obviously I went through a punk phase. 
They were basically my Myspace page.
My escort to awkward school dances held in the gym with lights on.
My American Eagle shopping soundtrack.
I am so pleased that this song has reignited that rebellious teenage angst fire.
So I'm just gonna go down memory lane for probably two weeks now with "Grand Theft Autumn/Where Is Your Boy" on repeat.

hoping through suffering

“Be assured that there is a safe harbor. You can find peace amidst the storms that threaten you. Your Heavenly Father—who knows when even a sparrow falls—knows of your heartache and suffering. He loves you and wants the best for you. Never doubt this. While He allows all of us to make choices that may not always be for our own or even others’ well-being, and while He does not always intervene in the course of events, He has promised the faithful peace even in their trials and tribulations.”

—Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Finding a Safe Harbor,” Ensign, May 2000, 59

If there is anything that I have learned this last year, it is not just that God works in mysterious ways but He is still doing work and He is doing it all out of His love for me.

It's been an extremely trying year for me, the most painful and revealing months of my life. I've never felt so out of my element. I've had a lot of new experiences and challenges, some unexpected setbacks and have traveled very far from my comfort zone, more than I ever have before. As I have ventured out into the unknown, I have made some big mistakes, some that I can never rewind and erase. But then again, I have also made some wonderful memories, some that I will never want to rewind and erase. I have been at the highest of the highs as well as the lowest of the lows. All of this has happened to me for reasons, reasons that I am starting to understand now as benefits or at least trust will be benefits eventually.

Through it all, I have learned SO much. I definitely don't understand everything yet and I am still figuring out what other morals are at the end of this story. Right now, I'm not completely comfortable with where I am in life and the person that I am and I don't know if I ever will be. I'm still working on some really big cogs in the machine. It's weird and actually pretty frustrating how much I have not felt like myself and yet I don't think I've ever gotten to know myself better than I do now. 

The amount of confusion but overall peace that I feel right now is inexplicable. 

What I do know now without a doubt is that my Heavenly Father loves me. 

I know Him. 
I feel Him.
I believe Him.

I can not deny His hands, constantly at work, in my every day life. He is real. I am never completely alone. He has never forgotten me and He never will. I am constantly watched over by the most powerful force in the universe. 

I have never understood better than now that I am special. The worth of my soul is immeasurable in His eyes. He not only understands but appreciates every little thing about me, however unique or small that little thing is. That is the most overwhelming feeling of happiness I think there is, to feel so completely accepted, wanted, understood, loved and rejoiced over because you are you by someone as incredible and magnificent and perfect as the Lord of ALL. 

It is powerfully moving to be so important to someone that they will give you everything you need so that you can be eternally happy, even if it sometimes causes you severe pain and temporal unhappiness. Even if you are sometimes undeserving of His blessings.

I am so far from perfect, it can completely drain me. Sometimes I let it go too far, to the point where I am paralyzed with grief. I have not only hurt myself but others because of my poor decisions with consequences that I always feared I would forever have to suffer because I would never have their forgiveness or even my own. And the fact is that sometimes there are direct results from those mistakes that unfortunately can not ever be reversed, no matter how much you want it or try. I am still suffering because of this now even as I have for a long time. 

But right now I am feeling particularly grateful for this suffering because I am now beginning to see and feel hope. I feel so blessed for all that I have been given, good and bad. Jesus Christ has not only been comforting me along this extremely long and dark tunnel but also pushing and guiding me, even if the light is still further away than I would like. The puzzle is slowly coming together, piece by piece. And those pieces have come in the shapes of family, lessons, friends, experiences, opportunities, encounters, trials, and answers to prayers. But the shapes are molded based on my faith and trust in the Savior Jesus Christ and the Lord's timing. 

Everything happens for a reason. It's just important to always remember that if we actively do what we can right now, those reasons can be for the best in the end. And this life is SO worth the best. 

this is a song - i decided by solange

Goodness gracious I am REALLY diggin' Solange's scene right now.
Why have I never listened to her before??
I should have known better that obviously being a Knowles she would be gifted as well.
As it is the month of loooooooooove this is a giddy little diddy just about that.
It makes you feel nice things about any special boy that you have decided is the him for you.

my first and truest love

The most romantic thing I have ever done for Valentine's day was in 7th grade and consisted of purchasing a pound of heart candies and confidently presenting them to Ian Dupape, the new 8th grader who moved into the ward with a little note that oh so subtly hinted that I maybe possibly thought he was cute and maybe possibly I thought nice things about him but I'm definitely not interested in holding his hand or lying to our moms about "going to see that movie with my friends of the same sex" but maybe we should sneak away to hang out at the mall sometime. As you can safely conclude, I was quite the female Casanova back in my glory days. 

A week later, Ian gave me an answer through a hand-made necklace that definitely must have taken him the dedication of at least 30 minutes. Strung on a stretchy plastic string, it alternated between blue, white, and silver beads and a volleyball charm smack in the middle. It was so beautifully atrocious. It still warms my heart thinking about it. I proudly wore the necklace every single day for a year and for a year, Ian and I would hold hands underneath the blanket when mom wasn't looking and gave each other our school pictures to put on our binders and would mumble "I love you" when getting out of the car, being dropped off at home but we never kissed. Then of course he moved away. I continued to wear the necklace for a couple weeks until it broke, which in turn broke my heart even more. To this day, it is still the most thoughtful and dearest gift any romantic interest has ever given me. 

Ian is the closest thing I've ever had to an actual boyfriend. Sure, I've gotten the same butterflies over guys since then, but I've never experienced a romance as innocent as those first teenage dreams. He really was such a good crush. Thinking back now, I realize that what was so great about our relationship was how honest it was, even if it was naive. There were no games played or guessing about his intentions. He did the littlest things to show me that he liked me, plain and simple. In a way, there is something so much more precious and genuine about that young love than the dating I have experienced since then.

I'm not saying that what Ian and I had was so much more real or serious than what people feel at this age especially now that I realize there is so much more to love than just texting smiley faces. It's that despite our young age and how long ago it was, Boyfriend Ian still teaches and reminds me how much "like" or love and care you can show to someone, that guys, when being their honest selves, are very capable of being the most sentimental of all, and that the attention and respect he showed me is representative of what I want and should look for in a significant other. And because of that, to this day I am still holding out for a love as true and pure as sport-themed jewelry.

this is a song - all eyes on you by st. lucia

This was the opening act for Ellie "Goddess" Goulding.
It's always fun when there is an impressive opening act.
St. Lucia is a one-man band from Australia.
His voice calls us back to the 80's, the golden era of synthesizers and sexy saxophones.
He is the reincarnation of Duran Duran.
Even though they are still alive...and I think came out with an album recently...
But whatever for dramatic effect we will say he honors their memory impeccably.