hoping through suffering

“Be assured that there is a safe harbor. You can find peace amidst the storms that threaten you. Your Heavenly Father—who knows when even a sparrow falls—knows of your heartache and suffering. He loves you and wants the best for you. Never doubt this. While He allows all of us to make choices that may not always be for our own or even others’ well-being, and while He does not always intervene in the course of events, He has promised the faithful peace even in their trials and tribulations.”

—Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Finding a Safe Harbor,” Ensign, May 2000, 59

If there is anything that I have learned this last year, it is not just that God works in mysterious ways but He is still doing work and He is doing it all out of His love for me.

It's been an extremely trying year for me, the most painful and revealing months of my life. I've never felt so out of my element. I've had a lot of new experiences and challenges, some unexpected setbacks and have traveled very far from my comfort zone, more than I ever have before. As I have ventured out into the unknown, I have made some big mistakes, some that I can never rewind and erase. But then again, I have also made some wonderful memories, some that I will never want to rewind and erase. I have been at the highest of the highs as well as the lowest of the lows. All of this has happened to me for reasons, reasons that I am starting to understand now as benefits or at least trust will be benefits eventually.

Through it all, I have learned SO much. I definitely don't understand everything yet and I am still figuring out what other morals are at the end of this story. Right now, I'm not completely comfortable with where I am in life and the person that I am and I don't know if I ever will be. I'm still working on some really big cogs in the machine. It's weird and actually pretty frustrating how much I have not felt like myself and yet I don't think I've ever gotten to know myself better than I do now. 

The amount of confusion but overall peace that I feel right now is inexplicable. 

What I do know now without a doubt is that my Heavenly Father loves me. 

I know Him. 
I feel Him.
I believe Him.

I can not deny His hands, constantly at work, in my every day life. He is real. I am never completely alone. He has never forgotten me and He never will. I am constantly watched over by the most powerful force in the universe. 

I have never understood better than now that I am special. The worth of my soul is immeasurable in His eyes. He not only understands but appreciates every little thing about me, however unique or small that little thing is. That is the most overwhelming feeling of happiness I think there is, to feel so completely accepted, wanted, understood, loved and rejoiced over because you are you by someone as incredible and magnificent and perfect as the Lord of ALL. 

It is powerfully moving to be so important to someone that they will give you everything you need so that you can be eternally happy, even if it sometimes causes you severe pain and temporal unhappiness. Even if you are sometimes undeserving of His blessings.

I am so far from perfect, it can completely drain me. Sometimes I let it go too far, to the point where I am paralyzed with grief. I have not only hurt myself but others because of my poor decisions with consequences that I always feared I would forever have to suffer because I would never have their forgiveness or even my own. And the fact is that sometimes there are direct results from those mistakes that unfortunately can not ever be reversed, no matter how much you want it or try. I am still suffering because of this now even as I have for a long time. 

But right now I am feeling particularly grateful for this suffering because I am now beginning to see and feel hope. I feel so blessed for all that I have been given, good and bad. Jesus Christ has not only been comforting me along this extremely long and dark tunnel but also pushing and guiding me, even if the light is still further away than I would like. The puzzle is slowly coming together, piece by piece. And those pieces have come in the shapes of family, lessons, friends, experiences, opportunities, encounters, trials, and answers to prayers. But the shapes are molded based on my faith and trust in the Savior Jesus Christ and the Lord's timing. 

Everything happens for a reason. It's just important to always remember that if we actively do what we can right now, those reasons can be for the best in the end. And this life is SO worth the best. 

thoughts from my favorite hymn

Where can I turn for peace?

Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows,

Where, when I languish,

Where, in my need to know, where can I run?

Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?

Who, who can understand?

He, only One.

He answers privately,

Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.

This is my favorite hymn.

I have a very special place in my heart for this song, especially this arrangement.

What I love about music is that when I have feelings and don't really know how to address them, there is always a song that knows exactly how to put my emotions into words and make it epic. This song is a perfect example. These lyrics could not have been written more precisely. 

However, as therapeutic as music is for me, it has its limitations as well. It can't fix everything. The ultimate source of peace for me is through my Savior Jesus Christ.

It doesn't matter what I have done, how lost I feel, how crazy I may think I am, Jesus Christ is able to understand without fail every single time. In a quiet whisper, He touches the dusty dark corners of my soul in a powerful and overwhelming way, filling me with a tranquility unlike anything else.

There have been so many times in my life where I RUN to Him. 

Where I feel so completely alone in my own personal Gethsemane, on my knees and am so desperate for something, ANYTHING to latch on to. And it amazes me how within a couple minutes of quiet meditation and prayer, He reaches out and calms me.

I feel so blessed to have experienced these moments where His presence has completely filled me with so much joy that my heart bursts and I am moved to tears. He reminds me that I am an individual with a unique purpose on this earth in this life and that I am so unconditionally loved by someone who looks at me in a perfect perspective despite my flaws and mistakes I've made.

I not only know that Jesus Christ is real and lives, but I believe Him.
I trust Him to understand the emotional potluck that I am perfectly and clearly. 
I not only trust him in times when I am in need of comfort but in times of repentance as well. 

I have an unwavering testimony that He really did die for me so that when I sin and repent, He can thoroughly cleanse me and will do so with no ill feelings of judgement or disdain but with only love and understanding. It is through this process alone that I truly feel I am made whole again.

The amount of love I feel for my Savior is immeasurable. As I look back, the moments in my life that I have felt the most clear-headed and happy are those that I have let Him in to guide me through.There are not enough words to express the amount of gratitude that I have for Him, His perfect example, the Atonement, and His constant love without end.