this is a song - it's alright by matt & kim

Stumbled upon my good friends new music video during my R@G3RRRR last night.

Matt & Kim.
How can you not love this couple?
I want to be married and be married couple friends with them.
I know they would be that cool married couple. 
And we would be young and go do hooligan stuff together.
They are infectious.
New alarm clock.

"One day I’ll remember how the words go, if one day you’ll teach me all the right notes."

it's the insomnia talking

It's 3:45 A.M. 
I brushed my teeth 5 hours ago.
I was in my bed by 12:30.

But now I am wide awake. 
I am frustrated. 
I am tired.
I am sick of sleeping on my couch. 
I want a mattress filled with marshmallow kittens and angel wing feathers. 

Oh my goodness just the thought of something so beautiful brings me to tears.

I am a chronic insomniac. 

Okay so one of my weaknesses are all five hours between 7 AM and 12 PM. Okay so I'm not a morning person. I'M SORRY MY BODY WILL  REJECT ANY SORT OF PHYSICAL INACTIVITY. 

I've had this problem for a long time. It was just never to a point where I would do something about it. But my poor, fragile, and sensitive limbs can only take so many years of the torture chamber that is my bed frame. This school year I have been tossed a voodooed mattress of death and for the last couple weeks I have laid down only to feel the springs stabbing me in the back. 

My roommates and I have concluded that it is The Mattress of The Devil (no but seriously because it literally is sinking in the middle, like it's legitimately trying to suck me into a fiery hell of arthritis or something). So for the last couple weeks I have been sleeping on my couch. Yep. The couch. There's that so...

I don't remember the last time when I woke up actually feeling refreshed and ready for the day. No really I'm actually trying to think of a specific time but all I remember is a faint dream that has already faded. I've never had one of those fairy tale mornings with the sun shining and the birds chirping and all my critter friends helping me get dressed as we all whistle while we work and join in song. No my mornings usually consist of a similar scenario to that of a Slipknot music video. It's literally traumatizing. 

Insomnia is one of the cruelest jokes your body can play on you. It's incredibly distressing, sitting here, looking at the clock, knowing that my body will hate my brain tomorrow when it starts eating itself because I will be a zombie. I don't understand how my legs are still so jumpy when they are so physically exhausted and sore. I feel like World War 3 is going on inside and everyone is Hitler. Everything is empty inside my head so what fuel is it running off of? Maybe it's the thousands of my thoughts commuting to all different directions at high speeds. But why now? Why at 5 in the morning is that when my brain feels most active? Why do I mentally thrive when I'm physically wasted? WHY WHY WHY? Insomnia is the most terrible internal battle of them all. 

It's not my fault! Trust me, I try! I TRY OH HOW I TRY. After years of consistent insufficient sleep, I know how the story goes. Scene:

I enter the bed. 
I pray to be watched over as I sleep and to get a good night's rest.
I let my head flutter softly upon the goose feather loaf of lushness.
Eyes are shut tight. 
Buried beneath mountains of blankets, quilts, comforters. 
Perry the Platypus stuffed animal tucked fast in my arms. 
Body proportioned to comfortable perfection. 
The scene is set.

And yet...

my muscles ache. 
I toss and I turn. 
My body is not shutting down.

After about an hour, I then play my lullaby playlist with songs featuring the likes of Jack Johnson, John Mayer, FOR GOODNESS SAKE ALLISON KRAUSS!
Ah but obviously that is not going to work because I mean, come on, it's Allison Krauss, she is just too darn catchy.
Curse you Allison Krauss.

Then begins the desperate search for the one cure out of hundreds of attempts that will lull me to sleep for the evening.

I've tried them all.
Scriptures.
General Conference talks. 
Food.
Running. 
Thinking.
Not thinking.
Baking raspberry lemonade bars.
TV.
Hot Chocolate.
Books. 
Rearrange the furniture.
All of "whatshouldwecallme" tumblr.
Flipping the pillow.
Youtube.
Researching potential diseases or phobias I might have such as Zemmiphobia.
Organizing your clothes by color.
Organizing your clothes by type of garment.
Organzing your clothes by nothing.

PAUSE LITERALLY SOMEONE JUST WALKED UP THE STAIRS. LITERALLY WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT AT 4:30 IN THE MORNING ON A SCHOOL NIGHT? LITERALLY I WILL FIND YOU AND LITERALLY I WILL TELL YOUR MOM MARK MY WORDS RESIDENTS OF WELLINGTON II.

Jazzercise.
Stalking myself on Facebook. As far back as you can go like dark ages of junior high far back.
New hobbies like hackysack or floral design.
DRUGS. 
Blogging.................................................................(hahahaha)

And then all of the sudden it is 5:04 A.M.

My dear friends of the Internet. Someone. ANYONE. Help me. SAVE me. I beg you. I know I know, I should go see someone about it. I'm going to the doctor next week and they will give me all the drugs to make it all better. I'll just pop more pills because drugs are ALWAAAAAYS the answer. But surely there must be another way?? I will give you a jar of my tears of happiness and then the whole world if you solve this consciousness conundrum. I need a miracle. Or a mattress cover.

Or maybe I should just give up. It's hopeless. I'm a lost cause. Go on without me friends. Save yourselves. Maybe I am just forever cursed to roam the earth in this Dracula state. The light at the end of this tunnel is only growing brighter and bigger and it's stupid because I CAN'T SLEEP WITH THOSE CUSSING LIGHTS ON TURN THEM OFF GEEEEEEZ.

I can't wait to read this tomorrow when I'm only somewhat delirious.

this is a song - my songs know what you did in the dark by fall out boy

All you need to know about my junior high days was that I was OBSESSED with FOB.

Well yeah obviously I went through a punk phase. 
They were basically my Myspace page.
My escort to awkward school dances held in the gym with lights on.
My American Eagle shopping soundtrack.
I am so pleased that this song has reignited that rebellious teenage angst fire.
So I'm just gonna go down memory lane for probably two weeks now with "Grand Theft Autumn/Where Is Your Boy" on repeat.

hoping through suffering

“Be assured that there is a safe harbor. You can find peace amidst the storms that threaten you. Your Heavenly Father—who knows when even a sparrow falls—knows of your heartache and suffering. He loves you and wants the best for you. Never doubt this. While He allows all of us to make choices that may not always be for our own or even others’ well-being, and while He does not always intervene in the course of events, He has promised the faithful peace even in their trials and tribulations.”

—Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Finding a Safe Harbor,” Ensign, May 2000, 59

If there is anything that I have learned this last year, it is not just that God works in mysterious ways but He is still doing work and He is doing it all out of His love for me.

It's been an extremely trying year for me, the most painful and revealing months of my life. I've never felt so out of my element. I've had a lot of new experiences and challenges, some unexpected setbacks and have traveled very far from my comfort zone, more than I ever have before. As I have ventured out into the unknown, I have made some big mistakes, some that I can never rewind and erase. But then again, I have also made some wonderful memories, some that I will never want to rewind and erase. I have been at the highest of the highs as well as the lowest of the lows. All of this has happened to me for reasons, reasons that I am starting to understand now as benefits or at least trust will be benefits eventually.

Through it all, I have learned SO much. I definitely don't understand everything yet and I am still figuring out what other morals are at the end of this story. Right now, I'm not completely comfortable with where I am in life and the person that I am and I don't know if I ever will be. I'm still working on some really big cogs in the machine. It's weird and actually pretty frustrating how much I have not felt like myself and yet I don't think I've ever gotten to know myself better than I do now. 

The amount of confusion but overall peace that I feel right now is inexplicable. 

What I do know now without a doubt is that my Heavenly Father loves me. 

I know Him. 
I feel Him.
I believe Him.

I can not deny His hands, constantly at work, in my every day life. He is real. I am never completely alone. He has never forgotten me and He never will. I am constantly watched over by the most powerful force in the universe. 

I have never understood better than now that I am special. The worth of my soul is immeasurable in His eyes. He not only understands but appreciates every little thing about me, however unique or small that little thing is. That is the most overwhelming feeling of happiness I think there is, to feel so completely accepted, wanted, understood, loved and rejoiced over because you are you by someone as incredible and magnificent and perfect as the Lord of ALL. 

It is powerfully moving to be so important to someone that they will give you everything you need so that you can be eternally happy, even if it sometimes causes you severe pain and temporal unhappiness. Even if you are sometimes undeserving of His blessings.

I am so far from perfect, it can completely drain me. Sometimes I let it go too far, to the point where I am paralyzed with grief. I have not only hurt myself but others because of my poor decisions with consequences that I always feared I would forever have to suffer because I would never have their forgiveness or even my own. And the fact is that sometimes there are direct results from those mistakes that unfortunately can not ever be reversed, no matter how much you want it or try. I am still suffering because of this now even as I have for a long time. 

But right now I am feeling particularly grateful for this suffering because I am now beginning to see and feel hope. I feel so blessed for all that I have been given, good and bad. Jesus Christ has not only been comforting me along this extremely long and dark tunnel but also pushing and guiding me, even if the light is still further away than I would like. The puzzle is slowly coming together, piece by piece. And those pieces have come in the shapes of family, lessons, friends, experiences, opportunities, encounters, trials, and answers to prayers. But the shapes are molded based on my faith and trust in the Savior Jesus Christ and the Lord's timing. 

Everything happens for a reason. It's just important to always remember that if we actively do what we can right now, those reasons can be for the best in the end. And this life is SO worth the best. 

this is a song - i decided by solange

Goodness gracious I am REALLY diggin' Solange's scene right now.
Why have I never listened to her before??
I should have known better that obviously being a Knowles she would be gifted as well.
As it is the month of loooooooooove this is a giddy little diddy just about that.
It makes you feel nice things about any special boy that you have decided is the him for you.

my first and truest love

The most romantic thing I have ever done for Valentine's day was in 7th grade and consisted of purchasing a pound of heart candies and confidently presenting them to Ian Dupape, the new 8th grader who moved into the ward with a little note that oh so subtly hinted that I maybe possibly thought he was cute and maybe possibly I thought nice things about him but I'm definitely not interested in holding his hand or lying to our moms about "going to see that movie with my friends of the same sex" but maybe we should sneak away to hang out at the mall sometime. As you can safely conclude, I was quite the female Casanova back in my glory days. 

A week later, Ian gave me an answer through a hand-made necklace that definitely must have taken him the dedication of at least 30 minutes. Strung on a stretchy plastic string, it alternated between blue, white, and silver beads and a volleyball charm smack in the middle. It was so beautifully atrocious. It still warms my heart thinking about it. I proudly wore the necklace every single day for a year and for a year, Ian and I would hold hands underneath the blanket when mom wasn't looking and gave each other our school pictures to put on our binders and would mumble "I love you" when getting out of the car, being dropped off at home but we never kissed. Then of course he moved away. I continued to wear the necklace for a couple weeks until it broke, which in turn broke my heart even more. To this day, it is still the most thoughtful and dearest gift any romantic interest has ever given me. 

Ian is the closest thing I've ever had to an actual boyfriend. Sure, I've gotten the same butterflies over guys since then, but I've never experienced a romance as innocent as those first teenage dreams. He really was such a good crush. Thinking back now, I realize that what was so great about our relationship was how honest it was, even if it was naive. There were no games played or guessing about his intentions. He did the littlest things to show me that he liked me, plain and simple. In a way, there is something so much more precious and genuine about that young love than the dating I have experienced since then.

I'm not saying that what Ian and I had was so much more real or serious than what people feel at this age especially now that I realize there is so much more to love than just texting smiley faces. It's that despite our young age and how long ago it was, Boyfriend Ian still teaches and reminds me how much "like" or love and care you can show to someone, that guys, when being their honest selves, are very capable of being the most sentimental of all, and that the attention and respect he showed me is representative of what I want and should look for in a significant other. And because of that, to this day I am still holding out for a love as true and pure as sport-themed jewelry.

this is a song - all eyes on you by st. lucia

This was the opening act for Ellie "Goddess" Goulding.
It's always fun when there is an impressive opening act.
St. Lucia is a one-man band from Australia.
His voice calls us back to the 80's, the golden era of synthesizers and sexy saxophones.
He is the reincarnation of Duran Duran.
Even though they are still alive...and I think came out with an album recently...
But whatever for dramatic effect we will say he honors their memory impeccably. 

this is a song - my blood by ellie goulding

In honor of her concert this Saturday.....................................................................................
.................................................................................................................
(I just get emotional every time I think about the fact that I will be hearing this live in 6 days).
It's not fair but if my life depended on it this would be my favorite song by Ms. Goulding.
Ellie has said this to be her best song she has ever written lyrics wise.
The symbolism, the imagery, the helplessness of it all is, dare I say it, incredibly spiritual.
In all seriousness, if you have not listened to this entire album yet you have to, you absolutely have to. 
You WILL be changed.
COME THIS SATURDAY I WILL EMERGE A NEW WOMAN.

"God knows I'm not dying but I breathe now
And God knows it's the only way to heal now"

this is a song - fall by justin bieber

It's one of those weeks. 
Where I just need Justin to serenade me.
But really he is always there for me.
Ugh I just like heart him SOOOOO much.
This is the "One Less Lonely Girl" of this album.
BOYS WHY CAN'T YOU ALL BE MORE LIKE JUSTIN?!?!
LISTEN. FEEL. UNDERSTAND. LEARN. APPLY. BE A MAN. LIKE JUSTIN.

this is a song - goodbye in her eyes by zac brown band

I won't apologize for posting a country song.
Don't let your pride stop you from listening to it.
It's not even twangy.
I love how distinct this band's sound is from everyone else's.
I think Zac has one of the best voices ever.
And the lyrics only speak truth.

a lesson about crying women

This post is dedicated to the crying woman in the car in the other lane who I pulled up next to at the stoplight about two weeks ago. I saw her, realized the situation, and my heart immediately burst. It was just her. Probably early 30's? It appeared as though she was sobbing. She was looking straight ahead. Tears overflowing down her face. It was raining outside. I was turning left. She was going straight. We sat together for less than a minute. She didn't glance over at me once. Maybe she could tell I was looking out of the corner of her eye. It didn't seem to bother her. The light turned green. I turned left. She went straight. 

This post is also inspired by the article The Kind Of Girl I Am  by one of my favorite writers from Thought Catalog, Chelsea Fagan. What inspired me so much about Chelsea's thoughts was the fact that I had read it later that same day that I saw the crying woman. I found what Chelsea had to say refreshing. It is very true that there seems to be this universal acceptance that there are only two extreme types of girls, a "typical" girl, who is seen in a negative light while the other is apparently strong and respectable.

After reading her thoughts, it made me think more about which category I would place myself in. I find myself swinging like a pendulum between the two. I know myself well enough to know that I am exactly that kind of girl in the article. But I know that at times I have also been dishonest with others and myself because, for some strange reason, I wanted to believe that I am unlike that girl, that I am different, that I am someone who is independent and can restrain themselves from caring too much and sometimes I actually am that calm, cool and collected chick. I am guilty of seeing those "typical" girls and labeling them as foolish and have even said something about it out of insecurity to make myself feel more in control of what is going on with me.

But why would I ever think that this is a healthy thing? 

Who decided that there are two categories of girls, one superior to the other?

Why are we so intolerant of the "typical" girl?

This has always been a source of confusion for me. 

My whole life, I've been taught and have understood that emotions are dramatic and unnecessary. That they are a choice and can be flipped on or off like a switch and it's up to me to decide whether the light is lit or not. I always felt like I should be ashamed of this "childish" and "crazy" girl because girls like that are annoying and difficult. I would always be apologizing to everyone for everything anytime I was ever upset. I would just try to shake it off and ignore it all until it would just blow up in my face and I was even more frustrated with myself. But with the beginning of a new year, a new mindset and new ideas have come along with it. 

After reading the article, I removed myself from both categories that Chelsea talked about and instead saw a completely new one. Then I tried removing other girls I know from what I believed to be their designated class and saw several new ones. I don't see only two sides now, I see dozens. Almost like different colors and shades. And most importantly, I understand better that none of these groups are better than the others, just different. 

Just because I am a "typical" girl doesn't mean that I am not an individual. I am living a day to day life unparalleled to anyone else. I have thoughts that you haven't thought. I have preferences that you don't prefer. I have dislikes that you don't dislike. We all have a different palette of what makes up who we are. That is a lot of what makes us a human being. Another part of what makes us human beings is how we act. 

I've noticed over some time that there is a continuing habit of calling people out on some of these actions, especially via social media. I know that I am even guilty of making these sort of accusations. There are the stereotypes of "dramatic" subtweeters or the "vain" selfie profile pictures or the "snobby" sorry not sorry comment. Honestly, I feel like I have seen more of these sort of arrests than actual crimes and even more honestly, I am finding that these sort of accusations are becoming their own "annoying" and "judgemental" stereotype. This is what led me to my next thought of how individuals cope with feelings. 

There are others like me who want to bear it all, whose "emotions tend to spill out all at once, and in full color", as Chelsea put it. There are others who tend to their emotions by themselves, who cope with it internally and independent of anything or anyone else. Reasoning as to why the independent way is the superior way is because others of us don't want to be bothered with your emotions, there is nothing that we can do about how you feel, we like the challenge of solving a mystery, it is silly of you to make yourself this vulnerable to everyone as they can now use it against you and/or everyone is fighting their own battles so stop complaining and looking for attention. 

But does that still mean that there is a wrong or a right way? 

I personally would answer yes. 

I think that there are healthier ways to cope with emotions than others, but that is for myself. I have my own methods of dealing that are right for me, like the gospel, music, driving, running, writing, being alone and talking out loud. That doesn't mean that this is the case for everyone. 

As tempting as it is, I don't think that tweeting something vague, indirect, and/or sad is very effective. I know that the general public would agree with me. And I know that not all subtweets are created equal. Some posts are funny and some really are just looking for attention (but isn't that what all our tweets are looking for? Some sort of attention?). Just like I have made aware how I feel about it, others have done it too but in a much more hostile and hurtful way. 

But are we authorized to tell that person, that individual, who is completely living their own life that what they are doing is a waste of time?
What if this is a cry for help? Should we just ignore it?
Is that the most beneficial way to help them? To tell them they should hide those thoughts? 
Are we even bothering to help them in some other way?
Can we really look at their situation from a different perspective?
Are their priorities in life in the same order as ours? Do they have the same standards as us?
Can we see how distraught they are? 
Do we know how long they have been struggling? 
Did we feel how hard they hit rock bottom? 
Why do we care enough to make a rude comment if that is how they choose to react?
Is it really so important that we have to use their honest selves to better display our own? More likes and retweets at the expense of putting down others?

Aren't we maybe sub-consciously trying to share our own feelings when we do that?

I realize that it is an act of hypocrisy to attack the stereotype by calling them out on it. I realize that I am taking the topic of discussion much more seriously than most people do. I also realize that everyone is entitled to their own annoyances and their human right to freedom of speech. But the point that I am trying to make is that this is one of my annoyances, how we look down on people who do not feel or behave the same as we do. I don't like how it seems we've been trained to look at the person with prejudice instead of patience. 

Along the lines of what Chelsea said, I think it is a strength for those who can compartmentalize their emotions and detach from situations, saving themselves, their respect and their dignity as well as be able to see things more clearly quicker than maybe I can. But I also think it is a strength of mine that I wear my heart on my sleeve, that I let others know that I care for them, even if sometimes I end up crashing and burning, getting more hurt or embarrassed in the end. Both are good qualities but neither is better than the other. 

I'm not encouraging the typical girl, I am not discouraging her. I just want to acknowledge the idea of letting the typical girls be the typical girls without any fear or shame. This isn't exclusively for girls but people in general. As basic of a lesson as it is,

Be kind to others. 
Be tolerant. 

I find it tiresome that there is a skewed vision that being emotional means being weak. I find it silly to make someone feel more pathetic than they maybe already do. I find it interesting that what is only seen as acceptable is to shove feelings into a closet, lock the door and throw away the key. I find it sad that we try harder to promote insensitivity instead of sensitivity to individuals and their situations. I don't understand why people should feel like they have to apologize for shedding genuine tears that are produced by a chemical reaction and strong emotions. I am not asking for us to all get in a circle around the fire and sing "Kumbaya" as we bear our souls and braid our hair. All I am asking is why is there a need to feel like there are higher and lower levels, that some of us are winning and some are losing, when we are all playing different rules to different games?

I like a lot of things about myself. I don't like some things either. Some of the dislikes are caused by the likes and the likes by the dislikes. But I like that these are my likes and dislikes because I like who I am. 

I am sensitive to others because I am sensitive myself.
I love people with everything I've got even if sometimes they give me nothing back.
I ask a lot of questions because I am genuinely curious.
I will drop everything for people because nothing else is as important to me but sometimes it shouldn't be. 
I am fiercely loyal.
I am sometimes too trusting of people because I know people can trust me. 
I am a good listener because I know how much of a difference that makes to me. 
I am hurt by people easily because I care for people easily.

Those are some of my strengths and weaknesses.
But what are some of yours? What do you like and dislike about yourself?
You don't have to tell me though if you don't want to. 
Either way is fine. 
But I chose to share this with you because I wanted to. 
It doesn't mean that I need to be categorized or ridiculed or have it used against me. 
It's that simple.

I want to thank the crying woman for opening up and sharing a little bit of herself with me, even if for a brief moment. I want to thank her for not suppressing those tears, no matter what the cause of them were and no matter who could see. I admire her courage. I hope that she isn't crying anymore. And I also hope that wherever she is, she eventually reached her desired destination but what I hope most of all is that she reached it in her own time, going in whatever direction she needed to to get there.

this is a song - railroad track by willy moon

Recently put on the map with the new Apple commercial  featuring his single "Yeah Yeah".

I appreciate the introduction. 
He is a classy kid with sassy beats and brassy soul.
An electronic Buddy Holly but with style unlike anything I have ever heard before.
Named "One to Watch" by The Guardian and one of the "Faces of 2012" by Q Magazine.
An album is TBA for this year and if it is anything like his EP, I will be smitten. 
No wait I already am.

julie andrews made me shave my eyebrows and ruined my life

We look nothing alike...right? RIGHT?!?

It's the August of 2001 and I am eight years old. Summer is coming to an end and school is quickly approaching which means second grade which means Mrs. K's class which means Duncan Byargeon. It was love at first play date and this year we are going to take the next step in our relationship and "snowball" at the annual school party at Skate King because I told him so and this is a time when boys will just do as they are told by their self-declared girlfriends which for some reason doesn't happen anymore and I don't understand why because it makes life much simpler but moving on. 

August of 2001 is also when the movie Princess Diaries comes out and everyone has fallen in love with Anne Hathaway's on-screen debut as Mia Thermopolis, the clumsy and awkward teenager who is told by an M.I.A. queen grandma, played by Julie Andrews, that she is a princess and must adopt a completely new lifestyle. I laugh, I cry, I love this movie. Especially because it is the first PG movie my parents will let me see and I interpret this as the first step towards adulthood, like I should now be moved from the little kid table to the big leagues amongst the grown-ups. Being the old soul and emotionally advanced 8-year-old that I am, I suddenly realize that my life is similar to that of Mia's. Like Mia, I too need to take on more responsibility for myself and if this is the year that I'm going to have a boyfriend and be an adult, I need to prove it and make some serious changes in my life. Changes such as my eyebrows. 

Prior to seeing the movie, one of my mother's friends makes the what I now know as cruel comment that I bear a resemblance to PRE-princess Mia with the puffball hair and "prominent" eyebrows. Being the mature adult that I am, I take it light-heartedly but really just don't think anything of it because really I am only a kid, I don't care. At least not until I actually see the movie. There is a scene in the film where the queen is examining and critiquing the poor innocent girl and her physical features and I sit there observing all this, vicariously believing it to be commentary on my physical features. Julie cunningly and wickedly compliments Anne's "lovely eyes" but then turns around and punches me right in the stomach with the follow-up, 

"but hidden beneath bushman eyebrows." 

K.O. your Royal Highness.

I am defeated. I rush home and stare in the mirror. I am a man. A scary hairy man. I can see my eyebrows growing bushier by the second. How could Duncan ever want to hold hands with a beast like myself? Surely I can fix this before school starts. Mia simply tweezed her eyebrows! There is my solution! But I can't ask mom to borrow her tweezers, there is no way she will let me use them. I look down at the sink in despair. Out of the corner of my eye, a gleam of hope flashes in the form of my dad's razor blade. I quickly reason with myself that it would actually be a lot quicker than tweezing anyway. So I do the only thing any reasonable young girl would do. I shave off half my eyebrow. 

I take a step back to examine my work. Absolutely no. Well if I shave half off the other side, then it will be even and that would look better right? No one will notice right? But before I can act, Fate always has a way of stepping in at the most inconvenient moment. My mother then enters the bathroom to take a shower. She doesn't notice right away that I am completely frozen, razor blade in hand with a look of what I am trying to express as guilt but really comes off as confusion as I only have 1 1/2 eyebrows. And then she notices. And she is not impressed.

For the next month and a half, mom uses a light brown eyebrow pencil to "fill in" for the missing not as light but actually much darker than the eyebrow pencil hairs on my forehead. Duncan breaks my heart and ends up snowballing with Sam Saunders who I thought was my best friend but apparently not. Any dreams I never have but could have had of being an esthetician are "plucked" from my head. 

To this day, I am traumatized by boys in roller blades and older women complimenting me.

Moral of the story? No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Unless they are Julie Andrews. And then she will ruin your life. 

THE BEYONCÉ POST

If you would like to consider yourself one of my good friends, you would first have to consider how you feel about Beyoncé.

If you think that you are well-acquainted with me, you would know that I am absolutely a die-hard Beyoncé fan. 

DIE-HARD. 

The kind of die-hard where if someone says anything that is even slightly below the highest regard for her then all of the sudden I am talking a little louder then I was a second ago and I get defensive and then eventually I am yelling and go Tyra on you because I just don't understand how "YOU COME IN HERE AND TREAT THIS LIKE A JOKE?!?! STOP IT! HOW DARE U! LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS! U ROLLIN' YO EYES AND U ACTIN LIKE THIS CUZ U HEARD IT ALL BEFORE! TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FO YOSELF!" I am just triggered to take it personally. My face will get a little red and then I remember that it isn't nice to yell at people so then I try to bite my tongue because I really want to say things that would not make my mother proud. If it goes on longer than a minute, then I will just shut off, turn away and I will refuse to respond to anymore of your ignorance or look at your face for a little bit. And don't even try to compare her to Mariah (I'm talking to you Doug Neumann.

You may have something you would like to say now because everyone always does once they learn this about me and you are a person with common-sense who likes to ask the hard questions in life and I know it's there on the tip of your tongue but you are slightly hesitant to nudge it over the edge as you may be feeling the breath of my heated wrath on the back of your neck right now. So I'll just go ahead and ask it for you just to play it safe. I'll pose it in the way that I know people mean to ask it but never seem to:

"Kailey, I would like to better understand why it is that you are so fond of Mrs. Knowles-Carter as I really don't know that much about her and don't really have any credibility when it comes to any negative comments I could say involving her and her life. Will you please tell me me more as to better educate myself?"

"Why yes of course, innocent yet cultured one, I would be honored to say a few words on the subject and will gladly indulge in a mature discussion and might I add I love you." 

This is the post where I explain it for once and for all why I am so willing to be a complete lunatic for this woman, the woman that is one of my biggest role models. 

Beyoncé Giselle Knowles. 

Born September 4 1981. Winner of 16 Grammies. Married to Jay-Z, the best rapper alive, making them the richest celebrity couple in the world with a net worth of $775 million. This year's Super Bowl Halftime Show. Singer. Dancer. Designer. Actress. Philanthropist. Author. Sister. Daughter. Mother. Diva. 

I remember sitting on my best friend Lea's bed in 5th grade and listening to Bey's debut solo album Dangerously in Love. This is my earliest memory of her. I really really liked it and "Me, Myself, and I" was gospel truth and my personal anthem at that tender young age. All through middle school and high school, I knew Beyoncé was boss and she would come up in conversation occasionally and we would say nice things but that was the extent of it.

I remember loving "Irreplaceable" and "Check On It" (who hasn't done the finger point with the "to the left, to the left" and then dipped it, popped it, twerked it, stopped it?) 

She performed "Ring the Alarm" at the 2007 VMA's and was so intense and I remember being really impressed but I still didn't recognize the raw epicness I was witnessing at the time.

Then...there was I Am...Sasha Fierce and "Single Ladies" was released. 

This was THE song. My first eargasm. I fell HARD. It would come on at parties and I simply went ballistic. There was absolutely nothing I could do about it. 

From there, it all becomes a blur. I just remember it all happened very fast. I downloaded EVERY single album, watched EVERY single music video, watched EVERY single interview, downloaded EVERY single Destiny Child's album, looked up the lyrics to EVERY single song, learned everything I possibly could about her from how she got started in the biz since basically birth to her favorite color (which is red), attempted to learn every dance, read EVERY single article, bought her perfume...

I remember thinking, "Where has she been all my life? Why has it taken me this long to discover this WHOA-man's world? Who was I before all of this? And who am I now?"

I feel a connection with her and her songs like I would with an older sister...a long lost older sister who doesn't know I exist but feels some sort of spiritual bond with someone out there and writes her songs as a message to them letting them know that they love you and hope that you will find them one day so that you can grow old together...and we will find each other one day.

All of her songs just GET me in some way or have a memory or person tied to it be it a good or bad one. If you haven't already read it, this post will explain why I allow this sort of attachment to happen. 

"Countdown" gets me excited on life.
"If I Were A Boy" is there when guys behave childishly.
"Diva" is the song that all my gurlz know and everyone knows how we luhhhhh to BUMP dat shiz when we ridin'.
"I Was Here " inspires me to amount my everyday life to so much more.
And you know that nothing pumps me up and gets me running faster than "Freakum Dress". 

Oh but wait there is so much more than just her songs that make up why I love this woman:

• She makes things happen. She has an idea and it is made into reality. And that's that.
• She is the only woman who could make one of the most powerful men fall to his knees in defeat and put a ring on it, someone who had previously stated in the pimp anthem "Big Pimpin":

          "Me give my heart to a woman?
           Not for nothin, never happen
           I'll be forever mackin"

APPARENTLY NOT HOVA. Apparently not. 

• She is the classiest sex goddess of them all.
• She is completely devoted to one man and one man only for the last TEN years.
• She had a child with this man 4 years AFTER marriage. That's pretty rare in the celebrity world today. 
• There is no one who is capable of what she does. Show me a human being who delivers the same amount of talent and entertainment at the same time except you can't because they don't exist. She isn't even human herself.
• She is just so ridiculously versatile, making new sounds, evolving with every album, taking risks and executing all of them flawlessly.
• She is the ultimate performer. I think people don't understand that. Sasha Fierce is just a fun alter ego. In real life, she is a sweet, conserved lady. Then she gets onstage and holds nothing back and just gets what is hers and her fans just die and we all have one heckuva party. Not even Willow can claim to whip her hair back and forth like Bey can. 
• She has an all-female band called Suga Mama. What else do you need? 
• She is devoted to several different causes and philanthropy work.
• I really respect how her and Jay try to keep their relationship as low profile as possible. Jay-Z said in a People article, "We don't play with our relationship."
• She gives a 110% to everything she does and has worked from scratch for her success.
• SHE RUNS THIS MOTHER. What can I say, I'm a sucker for female empowerment.
• She doesn't do anything to impress other people but only to challenge herself.
• Despite all of her success, she has one of the kindest and sweetest dispositions I have ever seen from any celebrity and shows the most graciousness and humility.

The list goes on and on and on...

I get asked a lot what my favorite Beyoncé song but that is like asking Taylor Swift which one of her ex-boyfriends caused her emotional trauma. There are just too many to choose from. Obviously I don't have one single favorite song. I honestly can say that I LOVE all of them (yes including...no wait ESPECIALLY "Run The World") so instead here are some that I think if everyone listened to, they would just understand. I won't force you to listen to all of them but if you do I will give you so much more credibility as a musical intellectual:

• "Crazy in Love THE LIVE PERFORMANCE" - IF THERE IS ONLY ONE VIDEO THAT YOU ACTUALLY WATCH OR SONG YOU LISTEN TO FROM THIS POST IT SHOULD BE THIS VIDEO. WATCH IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH. I think this is the one video on the Internet that alone completely sums up why Bey is Queen because of the artistry, the dancing, the music, the explosiveness, THAT STRUT in THOSE HEELS, the suspense that is built up, how insane her fans are, how insane SHE is, the theatrics, you can tell how in love her and Jay are, the fierceness of it all, the climax at 6:24 (I get chills every single time and completely lose my head when she utters "listen"), EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS VIDEO. This very well may be my all-time favorite Youtube video ever. EVER. If you didn't feel any electricity pulsing through your body at any point after viewing the video then I will think less of you as a person and I am so so sorry about it but that's real.
• "Lost Yo Mind" - Some of her most impressive vocals. This is the song I play when I am just so over a guy and "so glad that it's over" and want to lose my mind and just dance. I would LOVE to see her perform this live. 
• "Get Me Bodied" - This is the song that the flash mob at my wedding will dance to. Her live performance of this is mind-blowing as well.
• "Love On Top" - Give me a girl who isn't obsessed with this song and I'll make her love it.
• "Smash Into You" - This is the song that I want to play in the background every time I look at my husband because we are that destined for each other. 
• "I Care" - The honesty and vulnerability is just heart-breaking. Ugh.
• "Ave Maria" - One of the most splendid things your ears can listen to. I just die thinking of her singing this to Jay.
• Or you could just go and listen to all of her songs. I could write something on every single song and tell you why it is so good and what it means to me but then again there is something incredible about discovering it for yourself. 

When I really think about it, the thing that I admire most about Mrs. Sasha Fierce is how beautifully she embraces the idea of femininity. In her songs and performances, she takes on all different sides of a woman. She is fierce, independent, vulnerable, strong, caring, emotional, innocent, crazy, fun, sexy, dramatic...she does it all and she does it all fearlessly. 

She makes me proud to be a woman and unashamed of everything that comes along with it. Most of her songs are about relationships, something that I highly value in my life, be it romantic or friendly and most of those songs I have related to at some point in those relationships. Sometimes I forget to control the fierceness and I don't handle situations like a real lady would but then I just turn on "Listen " and I hold my head high, go dance, move on and start over. No matter what, she is always there with me for the best and worst of times. 

I also think she teaches a valuable lesson that it is okay to feel the way that we feel and that because we are people who can get passionate, that passion can empower us in a way to do extraordinary things as long as we use that passion in hand with positive action. 

This post took me 4 days to compose. I wanted to make sure that it was perfect just like her and that I said every single thing I wanted to say.

Now that I have served you an eight-course meal that makes up a good chunk of my soul, just take a deep breath and let it all settle and marinate. Let's just be cool.

I have said my piece so do what you will with it. 

If I have converted you, I welcome you to the diva life with open arms. Share your new found knowledge and adoration with your friends. Spread the fierceness. 

If you came into this post as a hater/Rihanna fan and I have only stirred more hatred, then you probably didn't read this far and you can go away and please refrain from bringing this up in my presence. 

If you are indifferent and you still think that she is just another musician who has nice legs and that no one in their right mind would name their child Blue Ivy (even I will admit I don't get that one) and maybe you still don't understand and are just scared now then don't worry I'm used to some people still not getting it and it is something that I cope with everyday. 

All I can say is that she has impacted me and my life in a profound way that I would only expect other fellow female hustlers to understand and I am simply crazy in love uh oh uh oh uh oh oh no no.

Long live the Queen B.