a lesson about crying women

This post is dedicated to the crying woman in the car in the other lane who I pulled up next to at the stoplight about two weeks ago. I saw her, realized the situation, and my heart immediately burst. It was just her. Probably early 30's? It appeared as though she was sobbing. She was looking straight ahead. Tears overflowing down her face. It was raining outside. I was turning left. She was going straight. We sat together for less than a minute. She didn't glance over at me once. Maybe she could tell I was looking out of the corner of her eye. It didn't seem to bother her. The light turned green. I turned left. She went straight. 

This post is also inspired by the article The Kind Of Girl I Am  by one of my favorite writers from Thought Catalog, Chelsea Fagan. What inspired me so much about Chelsea's thoughts was the fact that I had read it later that same day that I saw the crying woman. I found what Chelsea had to say refreshing. It is very true that there seems to be this universal acceptance that there are only two extreme types of girls, a "typical" girl, who is seen in a negative light while the other is apparently strong and respectable.

After reading her thoughts, it made me think more about which category I would place myself in. I find myself swinging like a pendulum between the two. I know myself well enough to know that I am exactly that kind of girl in the article. But I know that at times I have also been dishonest with others and myself because, for some strange reason, I wanted to believe that I am unlike that girl, that I am different, that I am someone who is independent and can restrain themselves from caring too much and sometimes I actually am that calm, cool and collected chick. I am guilty of seeing those "typical" girls and labeling them as foolish and have even said something about it out of insecurity to make myself feel more in control of what is going on with me.

But why would I ever think that this is a healthy thing? 

Who decided that there are two categories of girls, one superior to the other?

Why are we so intolerant of the "typical" girl?

This has always been a source of confusion for me. 

My whole life, I've been taught and have understood that emotions are dramatic and unnecessary. That they are a choice and can be flipped on or off like a switch and it's up to me to decide whether the light is lit or not. I always felt like I should be ashamed of this "childish" and "crazy" girl because girls like that are annoying and difficult. I would always be apologizing to everyone for everything anytime I was ever upset. I would just try to shake it off and ignore it all until it would just blow up in my face and I was even more frustrated with myself. But with the beginning of a new year, a new mindset and new ideas have come along with it. 

After reading the article, I removed myself from both categories that Chelsea talked about and instead saw a completely new one. Then I tried removing other girls I know from what I believed to be their designated class and saw several new ones. I don't see only two sides now, I see dozens. Almost like different colors and shades. And most importantly, I understand better that none of these groups are better than the others, just different. 

Just because I am a "typical" girl doesn't mean that I am not an individual. I am living a day to day life unparalleled to anyone else. I have thoughts that you haven't thought. I have preferences that you don't prefer. I have dislikes that you don't dislike. We all have a different palette of what makes up who we are. That is a lot of what makes us a human being. Another part of what makes us human beings is how we act. 

I've noticed over some time that there is a continuing habit of calling people out on some of these actions, especially via social media. I know that I am even guilty of making these sort of accusations. There are the stereotypes of "dramatic" subtweeters or the "vain" selfie profile pictures or the "snobby" sorry not sorry comment. Honestly, I feel like I have seen more of these sort of arrests than actual crimes and even more honestly, I am finding that these sort of accusations are becoming their own "annoying" and "judgemental" stereotype. This is what led me to my next thought of how individuals cope with feelings. 

There are others like me who want to bear it all, whose "emotions tend to spill out all at once, and in full color", as Chelsea put it. There are others who tend to their emotions by themselves, who cope with it internally and independent of anything or anyone else. Reasoning as to why the independent way is the superior way is because others of us don't want to be bothered with your emotions, there is nothing that we can do about how you feel, we like the challenge of solving a mystery, it is silly of you to make yourself this vulnerable to everyone as they can now use it against you and/or everyone is fighting their own battles so stop complaining and looking for attention. 

But does that still mean that there is a wrong or a right way? 

I personally would answer yes. 

I think that there are healthier ways to cope with emotions than others, but that is for myself. I have my own methods of dealing that are right for me, like the gospel, music, driving, running, writing, being alone and talking out loud. That doesn't mean that this is the case for everyone. 

As tempting as it is, I don't think that tweeting something vague, indirect, and/or sad is very effective. I know that the general public would agree with me. And I know that not all subtweets are created equal. Some posts are funny and some really are just looking for attention (but isn't that what all our tweets are looking for? Some sort of attention?). Just like I have made aware how I feel about it, others have done it too but in a much more hostile and hurtful way. 

But are we authorized to tell that person, that individual, who is completely living their own life that what they are doing is a waste of time?
What if this is a cry for help? Should we just ignore it?
Is that the most beneficial way to help them? To tell them they should hide those thoughts? 
Are we even bothering to help them in some other way?
Can we really look at their situation from a different perspective?
Are their priorities in life in the same order as ours? Do they have the same standards as us?
Can we see how distraught they are? 
Do we know how long they have been struggling? 
Did we feel how hard they hit rock bottom? 
Why do we care enough to make a rude comment if that is how they choose to react?
Is it really so important that we have to use their honest selves to better display our own? More likes and retweets at the expense of putting down others?

Aren't we maybe sub-consciously trying to share our own feelings when we do that?

I realize that it is an act of hypocrisy to attack the stereotype by calling them out on it. I realize that I am taking the topic of discussion much more seriously than most people do. I also realize that everyone is entitled to their own annoyances and their human right to freedom of speech. But the point that I am trying to make is that this is one of my annoyances, how we look down on people who do not feel or behave the same as we do. I don't like how it seems we've been trained to look at the person with prejudice instead of patience. 

Along the lines of what Chelsea said, I think it is a strength for those who can compartmentalize their emotions and detach from situations, saving themselves, their respect and their dignity as well as be able to see things more clearly quicker than maybe I can. But I also think it is a strength of mine that I wear my heart on my sleeve, that I let others know that I care for them, even if sometimes I end up crashing and burning, getting more hurt or embarrassed in the end. Both are good qualities but neither is better than the other. 

I'm not encouraging the typical girl, I am not discouraging her. I just want to acknowledge the idea of letting the typical girls be the typical girls without any fear or shame. This isn't exclusively for girls but people in general. As basic of a lesson as it is,

Be kind to others. 
Be tolerant. 

I find it tiresome that there is a skewed vision that being emotional means being weak. I find it silly to make someone feel more pathetic than they maybe already do. I find it interesting that what is only seen as acceptable is to shove feelings into a closet, lock the door and throw away the key. I find it sad that we try harder to promote insensitivity instead of sensitivity to individuals and their situations. I don't understand why people should feel like they have to apologize for shedding genuine tears that are produced by a chemical reaction and strong emotions. I am not asking for us to all get in a circle around the fire and sing "Kumbaya" as we bear our souls and braid our hair. All I am asking is why is there a need to feel like there are higher and lower levels, that some of us are winning and some are losing, when we are all playing different rules to different games?

I like a lot of things about myself. I don't like some things either. Some of the dislikes are caused by the likes and the likes by the dislikes. But I like that these are my likes and dislikes because I like who I am. 

I am sensitive to others because I am sensitive myself.
I love people with everything I've got even if sometimes they give me nothing back.
I ask a lot of questions because I am genuinely curious.
I will drop everything for people because nothing else is as important to me but sometimes it shouldn't be. 
I am fiercely loyal.
I am sometimes too trusting of people because I know people can trust me. 
I am a good listener because I know how much of a difference that makes to me. 
I am hurt by people easily because I care for people easily.

Those are some of my strengths and weaknesses.
But what are some of yours? What do you like and dislike about yourself?
You don't have to tell me though if you don't want to. 
Either way is fine. 
But I chose to share this with you because I wanted to. 
It doesn't mean that I need to be categorized or ridiculed or have it used against me. 
It's that simple.

I want to thank the crying woman for opening up and sharing a little bit of herself with me, even if for a brief moment. I want to thank her for not suppressing those tears, no matter what the cause of them were and no matter who could see. I admire her courage. I hope that she isn't crying anymore. And I also hope that wherever she is, she eventually reached her desired destination but what I hope most of all is that she reached it in her own time, going in whatever direction she needed to to get there.