julie andrews made me shave my eyebrows and ruined my life

We look nothing alike...right? RIGHT?!?

It's the August of 2001 and I am eight years old. Summer is coming to an end and school is quickly approaching which means second grade which means Mrs. K's class which means Duncan Byargeon. It was love at first play date and this year we are going to take the next step in our relationship and "snowball" at the annual school party at Skate King because I told him so and this is a time when boys will just do as they are told by their self-declared girlfriends which for some reason doesn't happen anymore and I don't understand why because it makes life much simpler but moving on. 

August of 2001 is also when the movie Princess Diaries comes out and everyone has fallen in love with Anne Hathaway's on-screen debut as Mia Thermopolis, the clumsy and awkward teenager who is told by an M.I.A. queen grandma, played by Julie Andrews, that she is a princess and must adopt a completely new lifestyle. I laugh, I cry, I love this movie. Especially because it is the first PG movie my parents will let me see and I interpret this as the first step towards adulthood, like I should now be moved from the little kid table to the big leagues amongst the grown-ups. Being the old soul and emotionally advanced 8-year-old that I am, I suddenly realize that my life is similar to that of Mia's. Like Mia, I too need to take on more responsibility for myself and if this is the year that I'm going to have a boyfriend and be an adult, I need to prove it and make some serious changes in my life. Changes such as my eyebrows. 

Prior to seeing the movie, one of my mother's friends makes the what I now know as cruel comment that I bear a resemblance to PRE-princess Mia with the puffball hair and "prominent" eyebrows. Being the mature adult that I am, I take it light-heartedly but really just don't think anything of it because really I am only a kid, I don't care. At least not until I actually see the movie. There is a scene in the film where the queen is examining and critiquing the poor innocent girl and her physical features and I sit there observing all this, vicariously believing it to be commentary on my physical features. Julie cunningly and wickedly compliments Anne's "lovely eyes" but then turns around and punches me right in the stomach with the follow-up, 

"but hidden beneath bushman eyebrows." 

K.O. your Royal Highness.

I am defeated. I rush home and stare in the mirror. I am a man. A scary hairy man. I can see my eyebrows growing bushier by the second. How could Duncan ever want to hold hands with a beast like myself? Surely I can fix this before school starts. Mia simply tweezed her eyebrows! There is my solution! But I can't ask mom to borrow her tweezers, there is no way she will let me use them. I look down at the sink in despair. Out of the corner of my eye, a gleam of hope flashes in the form of my dad's razor blade. I quickly reason with myself that it would actually be a lot quicker than tweezing anyway. So I do the only thing any reasonable young girl would do. I shave off half my eyebrow. 

I take a step back to examine my work. Absolutely no. Well if I shave half off the other side, then it will be even and that would look better right? No one will notice right? But before I can act, Fate always has a way of stepping in at the most inconvenient moment. My mother then enters the bathroom to take a shower. She doesn't notice right away that I am completely frozen, razor blade in hand with a look of what I am trying to express as guilt but really comes off as confusion as I only have 1 1/2 eyebrows. And then she notices. And she is not impressed.

For the next month and a half, mom uses a light brown eyebrow pencil to "fill in" for the missing not as light but actually much darker than the eyebrow pencil hairs on my forehead. Duncan breaks my heart and ends up snowballing with Sam Saunders who I thought was my best friend but apparently not. Any dreams I never have but could have had of being an esthetician are "plucked" from my head. 

To this day, I am traumatized by boys in roller blades and older women complimenting me.

Moral of the story? No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Unless they are Julie Andrews. And then she will ruin your life.